Five Things Your Husband Wants You to Know (but might not know how to tell you)

Is your man one of those strong, silent types?  Or maybe he’s just immersed in his work or the ball game and doesn’t talk much about himself or your relationship.

Don’t worry.  It’s not about you.  Most men find it difficult to put into words the things that are part of who they are.  It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell you; it’s more likely that he just doesn’t know how to tell you.

If you take hold of these 5 things that your husband wants you to know and put them into practice in how you relate to your husband, you will see a dramatic difference in your marriage and in how he relates to you.

* A man would rather be respected than loved.  Think about that.  I mean, really stop and think about it before you read on.  How many times have you told your husband you love him just to be met with a blank stare or a mumbled “I love you, too”?  Your husband’s self-worth is grounded not in your love for him, but in your respect of him.  Tell him you respect him for _________________ (fill in the blank).  Be prepared for him to fall off his chair, though, as this might be the best thing he’s heard all day!

* Your husband feels a burden to provide for his family.  While discussions about money often escalate to who makes more or who spends more and on what, your husband feels a responsibility to provide for the needs of you and the children.  This thought is never far from his mind.  Let your husband know how much you appreciate the work that he does to provide for you.  Next time you are tempted to buy something you really don’t need, stop and think about how that money could be put to better use.  Maybe buy something your husband needs but has been putting off getting.

* Your husband is almost always ready for sex.  I read recently that men and women differ dramatically in how their energy is spent and regained.  A woman has one battery pack that is used from sun up to sun down.  As the day wears on her battery gets lower and lower and she feels drained when she gets into bed at night.  All she wants is to turn off the lights and go to sleep because she knows that her battery will be recharged as she sleeps.  A man, on the other hand, has his normal battery pack that he runs on throughout the day, from sun up to sun down, but he has a backup battery that is used only for sex.  When the opportunity for sex comes along, his backup battery goes into play and even if his main battery is worn down and he was asleep on the couch just a few minutes ago, the backup battery now takes over and he’s ready for action.

* Just because a man notices another woman doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive. If you have read anything about the differences between men and women, you know that men are more visual than women.  They are often excited by what they see even more than by what they hear, feel, or smell.  It is nearly impossible for a man not to notice a pretty woman, or an ugly one for that matter.  It’s something akin to you spotting a sale on that dress you’ve been wanting or the Starbucks signs along the highway; your eyes see it before your brain engages.  That’s how it is with men.  Your husband might look at a pretty woman as she passes by, but that doesn’t mean he finds her more attractive than you, it just means that his eyes have seen her. (Be sure to read the Comments below for some wonderful insight from Tania and jjdacus and check out the response beginning with Men: Overcoming Visual Temptation, An Introduction.) 

* Your husband really does love you. Your husband may not know how to show it, but he really does love you and he wants you to know that. Instead of expecting him to read your mind about how to show love to you, why not make a list of some of the things he can do that will make you feel loved? And while you’re at it, do the same for him. Write these ideas on strips of paper and put them in separate jars. Whenever you want to show love to your mate in a way he will understand, pull one of his tags out of the jar. When he does the same for you, you will not only know that he wants to show you his love, you will be helping him understand how he can best show his love for you.

After all, isn’t that what loving and being loved is all about?


Yours for the celebration of marriage,

Claudia


(*Ideas gleaned from For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn)

11 thoughts on “Five Things Your Husband Wants You to Know (but might not know how to tell you)

  1. Pingback: For Subscribers 02-08-08 : MInTheGap

  2. There are some great insights to this post.

    One of the other things that I find is weird (speaking of battery packs) is that I tend to feel tired from 3-6 and then pick back up around 8. It’s strange, I know, but it’s another way God made me different.

  3. This is a great post, Claudia! And encouraging.

    Btw, I see you are a company girl! I haven’t formally joined, but I love the Home Sanctuary site, and Rachel Anne’s posts.

    Enjoyed my visit to your site!

  4. Hello Claudia,

    I just discovered your Blog, and have been enjoying it.
    My husband cheated on me, and as a result of finding our way through the pain and damage that came as a result, we both read a great deal about the subject of men “looking”. And, he told me he never stopped loving me during that time. It is not alright to tell women that their husbands still love them even though they are looking at other women. Many men that cheat claim they still love their wives.

    I was told by my mother in-law “that men just do that” when I told her that her son cheated on me.

    My husband and I are still healing and dealing with the hurt and pain of adultery and deception. It is taking years to find our way through. I know God is leading the way.

    I hope you may see what a trap we are creating, especially as Christians, when we condone a behavior that is just a pathway to Godly and marital separation.

    There are many Christian books that teach how important it is for both men and women to divert their eyes and to NOT allow a behavior that usually leads to a thought life outside what is acceptable. There are also excellent books for singles regarding the same subject. God calls us to purity.

    There is countless evidence that supports that much more goes on than merely admiring someone of the opposite sex. Please be careful about how you are guiding women and men to be accepting of something that is secular and not Christian. And, that is the belief that “men are just that way.”

    As Christians we are called to sacrifice. Women must sacrifice behaviors that are a result of their flesh in order to serve the Lord and their marriage. And men, need to step up to being the men God called them to be instead of being told it is alright for them to feed their flesh. David’s sin began as a result of him gazing upon Bathsheba.

    God has given each of us the ability to overcome temptation. I don’t think we are called to forsake all others in our marriage vows to the exception of someone who just happens to catch one’s eye.

    Since this is clearly not a simple matter I will close with this:
    We must not buy into a philosophy that pampers a mind set and behavior that is not God’s will, but merely a social belief that has found its way into some Christian literature.

    Please know I respect and admire what you are doing with your Blog. We are all on a journey, and I am so thankful for the ways in which God speaks to me daily, guiding me in how I may overcome my flesh and ignorance.

    If you are interested, I will be glad to put together a list of books that support what I have shared with you. There is also mounting evidence of pornography addiction among Christian men. I believe men are being called to war and God is requiring them to be warriors. There are support/ accountability groups all over the place for the purpose of men coming together to hold each other accountable in their walk, and marriages.

    Clearly, you love the Lord. I will continue to read your Blog and grow from what you are sharing, thank-you.
    God bless you and your family,
    Tania Breard

  5. Tania,

    You make some very good points, and I appreciate your heart’s desire to make men and women aware of this trap that so easily ensnares.

    I agree that I bought into the philosophy that “men are just wired that way,” as in being more visual and looking at a pretty woman as she walks by, but hadn’t stopped to consider that men do not have to give in to the temptation to look – which could lead to more serious actions and consequences.

    After receiving your comment, I started reading Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, and Mike Yorkey (WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO, 2000). I admit that I have only scratched the surface of this insightful book, but this book provides great information for men and women and provides a battle plan for men in overcoming the temptations they face in the physical arena.

    I find it very interesting that these men offer that looking at a woman, while it is a temptation for a man, is a habit and that this habit can be unlearned. They say to men, your objective in the war against lust is to build three perimeters of defense into your life: with your eyes (training yourself to look away, which really can be done), in your mind (taking every thought captive and having control over what you think), and in your heart (strengthening your affection toward your wife and your commitment to her).

    I look forward to reading more of Every Man’s Battle and hope that men and women both will read it and that men will be freed from this trap that they might find themselves in.

    Watch for a regular post on this point as I continue my reading.

  6. I am glad to finally hear or read that someone has said IT IS NOT OK TO LOOK And gaze upon….I grew up hearing men are just that way..and I also grew up watching man after man disrespect his wife and eventually have emotional and physical affairs with other women all because the look, gaze or stare became much more…I am tired of excuses being made for this…My father loved my mother very much and I used to watch him to see if he was falling into this behaviour..one day I asked him..Dad…do you look at other women when we are not around, when you think no one else is watching? his reply was that he learned to turn his head and look the other direction and not to even think to look back, even for a glimpse or glance…He said it was very hard at first and he had to pray and ask God fro strength, but that because of his love towards my mother, he never wanted to do anything that would cause her to think he had eyes for anyone other than her…I can honestly say… I tried many times to “catch” him in the act…but I never noticed my father taking second glances or long stares at other women..I never saw him do the full length, quick..up and down eye glance that so many do…I later told him that I was very proud of him and glad that he didnt make excuses, but held my mothers thought and feeling in high regard..He explained to me that “checking a woman out” is looking at her longer than you should and giving her that up and down glance and that he knew it wasnt right and he also was sick of hearing other men make excuses…I know how it makes me feel when I see my husband checking out other women or “forgetting” an item on a another isle in the grocery store so they can look some more, or do it right in front of me and act like it is no big deal…To this day, I realize my father was a very rare breed and how blessed my mother was to have such a man who loved her and respected her so…She was a very beautiful woman inside and out and I know that he valued her the way she deserved to be valued. It is hight time we quit making excuses to sin and do things that are not conducive to CHRSITIAN and Godly behaviors.

  7. Thank you so much for your comment. I told the previous commenter that I would address this in a future post, but I’ve never gotten that done.

    I have been praying for direction for my blog, and even took most of 2009 off because I wasn’t sure where to go with the blog, but it seems clear that this issue must be addressed.

    Your father was indeed an honorable man, and men (and women) should not just accept the fact that “men are made that way.” It is possible to overcome this temptation just as it is any other: with the help of the Holy Spirit AND an act of a man’s own will.

    Until I get the post(s) done, I recommend Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoekers’s book Every Man’s Battle: A Guide to Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time.

    I pray that God will do a mighty work in your husband so that he will know the power he has over this temptation.

  8. Hi. I am a man who loves his wife dearly. I find some of these comment quite skewed in there thought processes. I don’t believe men have to divert their eyes or have to mind control themselves (or from there partner) to love there partner responsibly. Men do look. Men even know who is attractive and who is not. They can’t help that. It’s ok. Men who truely love their partners love them because they know in their hearts the worth of both themselves their partner and the relationship that they have together. Men. Don’t avert your eyes! And if you do have a real problem with temptation, maybe take a good look at yourself, your partner and that relationship and truely decide its worth.

  9. Yes, if you can’t control yourself, it can be learned. Not all people are wired the same. As I do not like to shop nor do I notice a coffee shop. I do not have to buy shoes either. Amazing I know but true. I wasn’t wired that way, EVER. I dislike being compared to all women. I do not look at men or drool over actors either. I find it disrespectful to my mate. I also find it for the opposite. If he is drooling over some woman’s breast’s or short skirt, It is disrespectful to me. I only have eyes for you seems appropriate for people in love. I expect to be respected by my spouse. This whole nonsense about all women want is love and men want respect…….UGH! I want to be respected for what I bring to this family, relationship etc. If you don’t love each other, why did you get married? Love is a given by both if you commit to a relationship. Stop categorizing reality. Love, honor, trust and respect make a relationship last til death do you part. Not letting someone ogle another persons body or letting someone blow money because he or she was “wired that way.”

  10. Hello Claudia,
    I accidentally came upon your blog, but sure am glad i did. I believe it was all true.. but i find it very hard to accept my husband checking out women and talking with them in a way he shouldn’t. Maybe most men are that way, but its no excuse! Reading comments from Tania and jjdacus really brought tears to my eyes.. I as well grew up with parents that love each other so dearly. I used to always think that love was going to be easy. After getting married myself thats when i learned that love was a lot harder than how I saw my parents.This month will be our two year anniversary of being married. We are a young couple still learning to love each other the right way. The bad thing about our relationship is that my husband doesn’t see anything wrong with what he does. He says that he is a man and that its ok as long as he loves me. I just don’t see how that’s showing me that i am loved! I feel that i am the only one trying to make our relationship work. At times i feel so hopeless! I just pray that we will be strong and pull through. Our marriage is holding on a tiny thread. Only God can save our love. I hope things will get better. Because at the stage we are in sometimes we almost want to give up in our marriage. But as Christians we need to be patient and pray. Everything is possible with the Lord. So i put all my problems in His hands and let him lead!

    I will deffinately check out the book you recommended.. Every Men’s Battle.

    Thank you

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